Silent Retreat

Introduction:

In September 2018, I embarked on a 10-day Vipassana retreat in Chitwan, Nepal. This journey was a profound exploration of silence, stillness, and self-awareness. The idea of Vipassana came to me during a meditation session, and I decided to follow my heart’s calling, unaware of its significant impact on my life and perceptions. 

During the Retreat:

• Arrival and Initial Struggles: Upon arrival, I strongly disliked the retreat center. The small, mold-covered room and unwelcoming wooden bed made me feel claustrophobic. My mind was filled with fear and thoughts of not surviving the experience. Observing these thoughts while staying present and centered was challenging, but they eventually dissolved.

• Sleep and Movement: Sleeping was difficult; I frequently woke up at night and had to practice Bramari or chant the Ganesh mantra to fall asleep again. The lack of movement during the retreat was associated with depression, which scared me. Unlike other participants who rested, I kept moving during my free time to prevent my energy from feeling stuck. Walking back and forth on a 100-meter path provided some relief. 

• Weather and Patience: September’s rainy and humid weather, with temperatures around 30 degrees, prompted frequent showers to cool down. Impatience and the constant anticipation of the “next thing” were significant challenges. I learned to rest in the present moment, a vital lesson in patience. 

• Bodily Sensations and Insights: As days passed, I observed my bodily sensations without reacting, a significant shift in awareness. During a 1.5-hour guided meditation on the fourth day, I experienced deep bodily sensations and energy movement. Reflecting on my past, I recognized patterns of attachment transferred from my parents to partners, a conditioned behavior I needed to address. 

• Emotional Challenges: Throughout the retreat, I faced thoughts of giving up and fear of darkness when closing my eyes. Viewing the meditation as a challenge, I was hard on myself, striving to feel every bodily sensation. I realized my tendency to judge others stemmed from unaccepted aspects of myself. The fear of suffocation, rooted in a childhood near-drowning incident, resurfaced, highlighting my struggle with control and the need to let go.

 After the Retreat:

• End and Calmness: Leaving the center felt like graduating from a profound life university. I spent a day in Kathmandu, feeling calm amidst the city’s chaos. Speaking felt different, coming from a deeper place, and I listened more attentively, allowing internal dialogues to dissolve. **Inner Transformation:** Post-retreat, sitting in meditation became easier, whether alone or during weekly sessions. The practice of “sitting with what is” felt more accessible than the Vipassana body scan. The retreat cultivated a deep friendship with myself, revealing my strict self-demands and the importance of self-compassion. 

Key Learnings:

• Self-Companionship:  I learned to be my best friend, providing self-support during difficult times. 
• Self-Demand:  Recognizing my strictness towards myself, I realized the need to allow rest.
• Mindfulness: Observing thoughts and emotions without following them helped them pass.
• Bodily Sensations: Understanding the connection between emotions and bodily sensations permitted me to respond rather than react. 
• Love: My quest for family perfection had hindered genuine connections. Embracing imperfection and showing compassion became essential to nurturing my familial relationships.

Conclusion 

The 10-day Vipassana retreat in Nepal was a transformative experience. It cultivated self-awareness, patience, and deep emotional insights. It taught me to navigate my inner world with greater compassion and understanding, profoundly altering my approach to life and relationships.